Have you ever tried the yoga practice of observing your own breathing? It’s more difficult than it sounds but gives a sense of peace, quiet and serenity that’s worth the effort.

Something like that is also possible in daily life. The next time you have to deal with an infuriating, incompetent, apathetic “customer service” person, just try and step back a little. Observe their attitude with some detachment, if you can. See that their lack of understanding is due to the poor training they have had, their lack of interest is because they have three other lights flashing on their phone. Even more difficult, observe your own reaction: is it proportionate to the annoyance you’re suffering? Is your rising blood pressure solely due to this incident? What’s really going on in your head?

Like many people, I believe passionately in my own world view, and find it difficult to understand why other people don’t see things the same way. On emotional subjects like abortion or on religious or political questions, it is not easy to accept that other people think differently and have just as much right to their opinion as you have to yours. Try to be still and observe the fact that you are one of the 86% of people who think the moon is made of green cheese. You don’t have to persuade the 14% who think it’s dust and rock, leave them to their illusion!

Of course there are times and places where you should argue for your point of view, where it is right and proper to stand up for your beliefs. The political argument that’s been going on, on Twitter and netmums and the political parties’ own websites since the election has been forceful, sometimes bitter, sadly sometimes a bit personal. But everyone is passionately engaged in the debate, and that, I think, is better than apathy.

However it isn’t necessary to have an opinion on everything, and it isn’t necessary to react to everything that happens around you. Instead of getting hot and bothered by other people’s viewpoints, try this phrase: “We’ll have to agree to disagree.” Observe your difference. Accept it. Move on.

Stepping back from a situation and observing it is not easy but it is worth the effort to improve the way you get on with people and bring you peace of mind. It is a key concept in the Virtual Balance experience which starts with an in-depth analysis of the client’s life. This is easier to do under the sympathetic but non-judgemental guidance which I give to my clients, rather than attempting to achieve the necessary objectivity by yourself.

I believe anybody can change: I am here to help, but accepting the challenge is up to you. If you’re ready to accept the challenge, contact me now.

Related posts:

1. Keep It Simple, Stupid!

There were three things that struck me about the results: First of all, work is fun! Secondly, by far the overwhelming majority of people work unpaid overtime on a weekly basis, and thirdly, “your favourite sports team winning” was consistently rated as not important to people’s happiness. In fact, not one of the men rated this item at all. Perhaps that’s just as well, given England’s dismal start in the World Cup!

When respondents were asked to rate different events as more or less likely to contribute to their happiness, 82% classed “completing a work task successfully” as “absolutely essential” to their happiness. This was only topped by “enjoying a book, film or TV programme” at 83% and was ahead of “spending time with your significant other” at 73%. So it seems true to say that work is fun! This was the intuitive feeling of people who responded to my original article about “Balance” which sparked this research, so it was not entirely unexpected.

What came as more of a surprise to me was the amount of unpaid overtime we are all doing. I had really expected that business owners and directors would work a lot of hours outside the normal nine-to-five, but almost as many employees answering the survey replied that they too worked unpaid overtime. (I defined “unpaid overtime” as going in early, working late, working at home at the weekend, or answering work phone calls whilst on holiday.)

Even so, by far the biggest majority of respondents said they thought their working hours were “reasonable” (43%) or “fair” (29%). If my survey is typical, then I think we should be really pleased. I don’t know if it’s the European Working Time Directive, or the insistence on family-friendly working practices in recent years, but it does appear that workers are content with their lot. The picture that emerges is of a happy workforce, aware of the importance of work-life balance and feeling that they have got it!

However, if you know someone who doesn’t feel this way, just refer them to me and a few Virtual Balance sessions[2] will put them right.

[2] Click here to contact Virtual Balance

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Simplicity is itself a far from simple concept. The word “simple” can mean easy to understand or honest and open. It can mean undecorated or unadulterated: in advertising, it conjures up a picture of a pure, clean, wholesome product . In my youth it was a common term for someone with learning difficulties, often kindly meant but not really acceptable for people who are just as complex as anybody else.

In Virtual Balance work, we are looking for simplicity of analysis, of speech, and of action.

In my analysis, I prefer to accept a simple explanation of behaviour rather than digging into the subconscious or interpreting dreams. I am not a therapist and if a client wants this kind of interaction then I will gladly help them find someone who can provide it.  Of course we all need help from time to time in coming to terms with experiences we have had before we can move on and sometimes just having someone to talk to can be enough. But “moving on” is the key next step and my attitude is that, whatever may be the reason for the way you are, you’re a grown-up now and need to take responsibility for how you live.

By “simplicity of speech” I mean being straighforward and honest in what you say rather than the form of words you use. I am not a Christian, but I do like this from St James: “let your yea be yea and your nay, nay” (James 5.12) This was written in the context of taking oaths, which James considered was “asking for trouble” (I paraphrase!) But I think they are good advice at all times.

If you mean yes, say yes. Don’t beat about the bush and leave people in doubt as to your meaning. If you mean no, say no. Don’t make excuses: this can be a big mistake. If you say “I can’t go, I can’t afford the train fare”, what do you say when the other person offers to pay it for you?

In so many situations using manipulative techniques to get what you want is, unfortunately, unavoidable but I really do not think it is a good way to live. My grand-children know that the way to get treats from me is not to wheedle or pester but just to ask for what they want. They’ll either get it or they won’t, but even the youngest knows it’s best to use the direct approach with me! Try it: it won’t always work, but you may be surprised by the reaction you get when you just ask people for what you want from them.

Simplicity in action means not complicating your life, not inventing unnecessary routines and rituals, not doing what everyone else does just because everyone else does it. It means taking a look at what you do and deciding what is worth keeping and what should be discarded. It means taking responsibility and making your own decisions. It may seem a little harsh, but the fact is I don’t plan to spend much of our time together “motivating” you. I will help and encourage you and suggest ways you might change what you do, but it’s up to you to make it happen.

I believe a balanced life is possible for anyone accepting the challenge of change: are you ready yet to accept that challenge?

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1. Serene Observation

Now that the dust has settled, and whatever we think about the outcome, the serious business of government has to begin. Not only in Parliament, but in Council chambers all through the land there are new Members looking forward to getting their hands on the levers of power.

But first: the Maiden Speech. Whether you’re a Parish Councillor or an MP, the Father of the Bride or the new curate, making your first speech in unfamiliar surroundings is daunting. So for all of you, I offer my top ten tips for public speaking:

1. Stand Up!

Circumstances may dictate whether you stand or sit: in Parliament the rule is that you must be standing. If you have a choice, always stand, however embarrassing it may seem.

2. Speak Up!

Speak clearly: speak to the person right at the back of the audience and check if they look as though they can hear you. If you are to use a sound system, try to practice first.

3. Shut Up!

When you’ve said what you have to say, shut up! Don’t waffle and try to make it spin out because you feel you’re not speaking for as long as other people.

4. Be Informed

The House of Commons has a charming tradition that the Maiden Speech is about your constituency, which you will know like the back of your hand, having just fought an election there. Make sure you know your subject matter well whenever you speak.

5. Be Prepared

Rehearse and time your speech in front of a sympathetic friend or even the mirror. Try to make sure you’re familiar with the venue, the sound system and the audience before you make your first contribution. Have everything you need – notes, glasses, tissues and don’t forget what your mum always told you: ‘go’ before you go!

6. Be Confident

Use whatever props you need – have your notes easily readable, maybe on index cards, maybe in big print on paper. If you’re using an autocue, make sure you have practised first.  I was privileged to see the late Benezir Bhutto in person, and she read her speeches from a prepared text. So don’t be afraid to do the same: but if you do, don’t forget to look up at the audience from time to time.

7. Breathe

Yes, it sounds easy now, but wait till you get up there with everyone looking at you! Making a speech is a bit like singing, you have to fit in the breathing in with the words. There’s no rush: speak slower than you think is natural and if you get scared, take a deep breath.

8. Relax

And this sounds hard, I know. Physically relax just before it’s your turn to speak. Stretch your toes out and relax them, stretch your arms and hands and relax again, take deep breaths. Obviously don’t make a spectacle of yourself, be discreet!

9. Connect

Whether you’re in the Council chamber or making an after-dinner speech, try to make eye contact with members of your audience. Hopefully somebody will be listening and looking at you. Speak to that person, even try a little smile if you can manage it; though I wouldn’t recommend a wink for your first time.

10. Enjoy!

You might not believe you could ever enjoy this ordeal, but trust me, in time you will. The back-and-forth between speaker and audience, the applause, the laughter, even the heckling! For now, just enjoy the fact that it’s over. Well Done!

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1. Top Ten Tips for Snow Days

Are you going to vote? Are you already thinking you’ll skip this article?

Now come on, accept the challenge and read a bit more…

If you are planning to vote, how will you decide who to vote for? Are you, like me, a committed Party member?  (Labour Party, in my case) Will you vote the way your parents/partner/friends vote? Will you actually sit down and read the different manifestos, listen to debates, meet the candidates?

I hope you will use your vote and I hope you will use your head, too. To help in that process I offer some tips for wading through the morass of propaganda we are subject to during an election campaign. You might find these techniques helpful when dealing with snake-oil salesmen too!

Follow the Money

Even in Britain, where we pride ourselves on our integrity, it’s important to know:  where is the money coming from to fund the campaign? In America, of course, campaign funding fraud usually puts somebody in jail at the end of every election. In Britain political party accounts have to be public and you can find out who gets what money from whom on the Electoral Commission website.

“Follow the money” is a good rule in all kinds of situations. Do you believe research on smoking funded by the big tobacco firms? Do you trust medical advice given by a drug company? Do you really think you will be able to compare meerkats via a website owned by Aleksandr?

Trace the Source

Campaign funding is needed to pay for advertising in newspapers and on television, but the “news” coverage of those same newspapers and television channels is actually far more influential. So let’s trace the source of the news and opinions – the editorial stance – of the newspapers we read. Let’s imagine there was a newspaper proprietor who was ardently against the European Union. Would you believe one of his newspapers if they told you the European Union was going to insist on straight bananas?

When you look at commercial television, take a close look at the adverts. Apart from the fact that they’re usually better than the programmes, they will tell you who is funding the TV channel. Are they firms which have an interest in a particular kind of legislation, like alcohol restrictions? Would they benefit from policies encouraging private motoring rather than public transport?

We are lucky to have the BBC which has a worldwide reputation for impartiality. If a number of its journalists went to the same school as prominent politicians, who are we to be suspicious?

I am not saying there is a direct link between the news we get and the opinions of the people who own or fund or work in the media. Most news organisations are very proud of their editorial independence.  All I’m saying is: treat the people who tell you what’s what with a healthy dose of cynicism and make your own mind up.

Do the Maths

“Budget to Increase by up to a Million Pounds”

Wow, that’s good news! (It’s possibly bad news, depending on your political perspective, but let’s assume it is good news for the sake of the argument.)  Have another look at this headline, though:

“Budget to Increase” – if it usually increases by five million or thirty-two million, then a million’s not such a good increase, is it?

“by up to” – remember “up to” means any figure between one and a million in this example.  So the budget might be increasing by £28.50, for all we know.

“a Million Pounds” – beware of big numbers.  I wouldn’t say no to a million pounds in my bank account, but if this is a ninety-three million pound budget, then a million pounds is an increase of less than one percent and won’t even cover rising costs.

You don’t have to get out a calculator when you read the newspaper:  just be wary of statistics. As G.K. Chesterton once said, they can be used “as a drunkard uses a lamp-post, for support, not for illumination”.

Join the Debate

My late mother-in-law, who was Low Church and High Tory, used to forbid any discussion of religion or politics at her dinner table.  I think it was because these subjects tend to arouse strong emotions and we really don’t want to show any emotion, do we?  On the contrary, I think having and showing strong emotions is integral to a balanced and happy life. Discussion and argument about religion or politics is good for you: it makes you think about your opinions and maybe even question them. So join in the debate: let us know what you think!

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If there is no obvious or physical cause, then it may be lifestyle issues or even your frame of mind that is making you feel tired. Are you looking after yourself? Are you getting enough sleep, food, exercise, fun in your life? You don’t need me to tell you what you should do – try and get your eight hours sleep, eat five fruit or veg a day, walk to work or take up cycling, relax and enjoy your friends’ company. We all know what needs to be done to keep healthy, it just seems so difficult to do it.

The next step, then, is to identify why you aren’t doing the healthy things you should be doing. I can help you with this as part of the Virtual Balance programme, which looks at your whole life and can identify what is blocking progress for you. Or talk to a friend or family member.  As a last resort sit down with a pen and paper or your computer and list for yourself what you think your problems are.

Even if you have a healthy lifestyle, your emotional state can cause that feeling of constant tiredness. One of the most common causes is boredom. Repeating endlessly the same routine, taking the same journey to work, doing the same tasks day after day can drain your energy and make you feel tired out of all proportion to the physical needs of your job.

This applies equally to the routine of parenthood. Of course being a parent is the greatest gift life has to offer, but you don’t have to pretend all of it is enthralling, interesting and exciting. You are allowed to say you get bored watching children’s television, doing the school run, reading the same stories, playing the same games. At least, you are allowed to say that to me during a Virtual Balance session! I think the taboo against saying such things in public is beginning to be broken, too.

Often your mind and body work together to send you the signal that something is wrong. Your body may be tired because your mind wants to stop in bed to avoid facing the world. You may feel it’s too hard for you, you’re not up to it, and you’re not good enough to face the challenges out there. Sometimes it feels like the supreme challenge is just getting through the day. At times like these, it takes courage and determination to face the world and that is precisely what you’re lacking at that moment. When self-esteem is at rock bottom the energy levels fall and a vicious spiral starts.

So if you are feeling tired all the time and there is no obvious cause, first of all see the doctor to check your physical health. Then check your emotional health and if you need someone to talk to, contact me here or by e-mail.

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People often ask “Why ‘Virtual Balance’? What does that mean?” Answering this question has made me think about the principles behind my work. The practical techniques I use range from the strictly objective, even mathematical – the Virtual Balance Formula© – to more traditional therapeutic methods such as visualisation and controlled breathing. But whilst techniques are important, the values that underpin my practice are fundamental to achieving the balanced life. My three core values are balance, simplicity and serene observation, and this is the first of three articles exploring what these ideas mean.

“Balance” is a word that can mean all things to all people. The BBC last year gave a platform to a distasteful and unrepresentative group in the name of political “balance”, which caused many of us to protest in outrage.

The police used to take a “balanced” approach to domestic violence: ”It’s six of one and half-a-dozen of the other.” Thank goodness that attitude is changing and the police and others are becoming more aware of the unbalanced nature of many relationships.

Many people would argue that “balance” means taking a neutral position in between two extremes, or not taking sides in an argument, their watchword being “There’s two sides to every story.” I recently watched a documentary about a young girl who had been the victim of an acid attack, causing terrible scars on her face and upper body. I defy anyone who watched it to remain neutral and say there’s two sides to that story.

Balance, to me, means an appropriate, proportionate response to a situation. Incandescent rage is, I think, the proper response to the story of the acid attack, but it’s not justified by the train being twenty minutes late, again. Total despair is not the appropriate response to the haircut that puts ten years on your age and ten pounds on your weight. Of course, like everyone else, I have these momentary reactions but I do try to keep a proper sense of proportion.

“Work life balance” is another phrase that can be defined more or less as you choose. Many of the programmes available seem to be more concerned with the “work” than the “life” aspect, the reasoning being something like “Please sort out your life so you can concentrate on your work.”

My approach depends on the individual client. I concentrate on balancing the quality of my clients’ life experiences rather than adjusting the amount of time they spend on different activities, although of course for some this can be an important part of improving the quality of life.  If a client is working twelve hours a day and loving every minute of it, then I can help them to find ways to keep grounded in their personal life. Telling them to cut their working hours and take up bird-watching is not necessarily going to make them a happier or more balanced person.

What do you think? Do you feel guilty about spending too much time at work? Would you really like to spend more time with the family or do you just feel you ought to? Let me know – click on the title “Virtually Balanced” to open up the reply screen.

Related posts:

1. Keep It Simple, Stupid!

1. Keep calm!
It’s nobody’s fault and we’re all in this situation together. The school needs to think about health and safety issues, your employer needs to keep the business going, and it won’t help to blame either one or the other.
2. Share the load
If you are fortunate enough to be a two-parent family, decide which of you will take responsibility for the children each day. That way you can both get to work at least some of the time. Perhaps others in the family might help as well: I know at least one Grandma who would rather be playing with her grandchildren in the snow than going to work!
3. Involve your employer
Explain the situation to your employer, tell her how you plan to cope, discuss what you can do to keep up with the work that needs to be done. Don’t spring a surprise on them when you get a text message from school and leap out of your chair to go and get the children.
4. Inform the school
The school has a duty of care to your children. They need to know who will be picking them up and when they will arrive. If you can, introduce temporary care providers to the child’s teacher.
5. Plan your work
If you are able to, re-organise meetings to be on the days when your partner is taking responsibility for child care. That way you can concentrate, knowing you won’t be disturbed. Re-prioritise your work: the snow won’t last forever so decide which jobs can wait to be done later.
6. Work from home
Many people work from home as a matter of course. If you’ve not done it before, talk to your employer about it. They might be glad to have you doing something for them rather than losing your time altogether. But be realistic: not all tasks are suitable for home working.
7. Stand up for yourself!
Don’t be afraid to insist on your rights at work. Your employer has a legal duty to allow you reasonable time off for emergency child care. The Government website for employers, Business Link, says this: “All employees have the right to a reasonable amount of unpaid time off to deal with an emergency involving a dependant” and here’s the link to their advice: http://bit.ly/4OFFsc
Be reasonable and polite with your employer but be clear about your needs. If you are in a Trade Union, they will represent you in negotiation and don’t hesitate to ask them.
8. Get outside help
Can your usual after-school arrangements be extended? Will your child-care provider be flexible at this difficult time? Of course this option will cost money, but it might be the best way for you.
9. Give mutual help
Extend the school-run car pool arrangements. Take turns with other parents you know in looking after each others’ children. Just think of it as an ongoing series of birthday parties. The kids will love it and you will survive!
10. Enjoy the snow!
Wrap up warm, get out there with the children and clear the paths, make a snowman, go for a walk in the park if you can. Make some wonderful family memories to treasure.

And if you are an employer yourself, please be kind; you can be sure your employees won’t forget it.

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For me, the year 2010 will be a year of change and challenge. First, of course, the launch of the Virtual Balance website is very exciting. After all the weeks of planning and budgetting and building, here it is! I am grateful to Amir from Barclays Bank, Claire from RedSky, Rob from Click to Sale and to all the very generous and enthusiastic people who encouraged me and gave me ideas as we were working on the project.

Within the next few days I will be reaching the personal milestone of my 60th birthday. In Britain, this means a free bus pass, free swimming, luncheon clubs, dancing lessons … it seems seniors have to fit in an awful lot more activity than the rest of us! Unfortunately there may be a change of government this year and who knows whether these “perks” will survive. I will enjoy them while I can.

Later in the year my current job will end, giving me more time to enjoy the grandchildren and do all this free swimming, possibly at some distant pool I’ve reached with my free bus pass! And of course, to make some new friends here at Virtual Balance.

Whatever 2010 holds for you, I hope we will be a part of it. The New Year is a traditional time for re-assessing your life and thinking about where you are going. I would consider it a great privilege to be part of that process for you. The Virtual Balance experience is first and foremost a reflective, analytical look at your life. Have a look round the website and see what you think – would this be a useful exercise for you?

If you’re not quite ready to take the plunge and book a session, then I hope you’ll enjoy this blog and come back from time to time to see what’s new.

If you want to be kept up to date with the latest developments, do sign up for the newsletter. I won’t sell, swap, share or otherwise dispose of e-mail addresses so you can be sure you won’t be bothered by anyone else but me!

Let’s make this website our place where we can all share our thoughts and our insights. And at the start of this new venture and this new year, I’d like to know what you think: what would you like to see here, what kind of articles would you like to read, what would you like to know more about? Just post your comment below and let’s see where the conversation takes us….

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To see the current or previous articles, scroll down this page. Posts are generally in date order (newest first) except this one and the next, which are fixed at the top of the page.

To make a comment, click on the title of the post. (For example, the title of this post is “Guidelines”.) A new screen will appear where you can see any previous comments and with a place for you to submit your own.

When you have submitted your comment, your e-mail address stays on your screen for convenience. It is not visible to anyone else and does not appear on the website. It is listed internally for my private information in managing the blog, so that I can block a particular e-mail address if I choose.

I will not be censoring posts unless I feel that my website is being abused. If this is the case, then I will have to revise my policy and approve posts before they are published, which I really don’t want to do.

So please adhere to these guidelines:

1. Comments must not be abusive or derogatory to other posters.
2. Comments must not use offensive or profane language.
3. Flaming (insulting or hostile language) is not allowed.
4. Comments must not be used to advertise other products or services.
5. Links, open or hidden, to other websites are not allowed.
6. If you do not follow the guidelines you will be banned from the site.

Thank you.

Ruth

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